A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today.
Was there anything I touched that didn’t get spoiled?
I didn’t know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasn’t
like I hadn’t known this was coming all along. But Jacob had never reacted so
strongly- lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity of his pain. The
sound of his agony still cut at me- somewhere deep in my chest. Right beside it
was the other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward,
too. For not being able to watch Jacob go with composure, knowing that it was
the right thing, the only way.
I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.
I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options
were so much better than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat,
crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like
I couldn’t allow what hurt me to influence my decisions
anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I had to do what was right now.
Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring him
back. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never
see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more ears. I wiped
the last of them away with cold fingers now.
But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to
tell him to go away and never come back.
Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than
saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt? It
wasn’t right. That shouldn’t be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I couldn’t
have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give
up wishing for that. How ridiculously greedy could any one person be?