Life · Love · Music

Song of the Week: Chivas by Kelly Clarkson

I did something today that took a lot of my energy: I deleted
all of my past. I hadn’t looked at any of those memories in ages but today I got
rid of everything that remained. During the process however, I could not help
glancing at a few things and it is hurting me now; I hate myself for everything
that happened. I wish I had had the strength to run away earlier, but I did
not. I cannot strike out the past year completely, for as long as I live, it
will probably come back to me at my low moments and make me hate myself. I’m
learning to live with the knowledge that it happened and I’m going to put it so
far behind me soon that not a single trace would remain.

I’m glad I had a chance for redemption and change and
movement and growth. I’m glad God gave me a chance to put my resentments to
rest. I will eternally be grateful to Him for listening to me all those nights I
thought he had simply turned a blind eye and moved away from me. But I know He
was there like He had been there before.

I reached home at ten thirty pm last night, carried my bags
into my bedroom. My room smelt the same, the double bed was still as inviting,
my brother felt warm and sweet too when I hugged him but deep, deep inside of
me, I was stable and sane this time. Finally I feel I am somewhat normal. Finally
I can look ahead and see light. Finally I needn’t lie to myself and all my
well-wishers anymore. J

This is the song that I’m thinking about right
now (Kelly Clarkson wrote it in a wasted state in a bar):


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