If You Were Wondering…

Feeling more and more left out of some people’s life than I did before. I stopped complaining because I don’t know what they are thinking anymore.

‘We’ve stopped talking, you and I, but I still don’t know why. We exchange no hellos and no acknowledgments when we pass each other on the corridors. There is a flicker of recognition sometimes, a glimmer of hope maybe but no words. None at all.

After I spent the first week or two repenting and trying to make amends, I thought you weren’t reading my silent gestures or maybe, I thought, maybe you weren’t ready to forgive yet. So I let you be. But things got ugly (they usually do) and then I reached a place where I needed YOU to do SOMETHING too but you didn’t.

I know where you think I erred but if only you knew what I did the morning after we fell out, you might feel a little better. You are possibly blaming me and I am possibly blaming you. I see my faults, of course. When I needed you, you stood by me when there were very few people to. I know this place has not seen me, it doesn’t know me; I do not have a stand and I never might and I never sought one. I know you have watched my silent descent; I don’t know how you interpret it but those are my words. So I know you understood some of my silences and I know I let you drift apart. I did not fight, I did not show I cared. It came out as anger sometimes perhaps but I  let most of it pass.

I know you think I have forgotten all about you because there are these new and good things in my life. I know this distance from you helps me in some ways but at other times I don’t like it. I don’t like the way we are part of a same group and yet not aware of what’s happening in one another’s lives. I don’t like that sometimes you are around me and laughing at an inside joke I do not know and refuse to ask. I don’t like that I am tired of fighting and have given up completely. I don’t like not wanting more. I don’t like my own silence and I don’t like yours. I am lonely, in a way, despite the few wonderful people (both new and old) who fill my blanks.

I am glad people do not know. Or they have turned a blind eye if they do. I am glad we don’t have to talk about it. THIS rift feels too wide for me to stitch up. This time I am going to let things be and months from now a certain somebody would ask, ‘What happened to you two?’ and I won’t have an answer.

Love · Poems

Look At Me

All those things I wouldn’t have told you

But I did; because you understood

You look at me like nobody ever has

I’ve never had eyes that deep

Look into me



When you ask those simple questions

And I’m silent; well, I’m biting my tongue

My heart beats hard

But can you feel how I’m confused

Coz you look at me like the world would end if

You didn’t have eyes that sweet to

Look at me



You’re like a new tune I still can’t sing

There are those moments when I’m hanging on a thread

Feeling incomplete

But you seem to know what to do though you’ve never done it before

Coz you look at me like I used to look at shooting stars back when

I didn’t have eyes so bright to

Look at me



You’re writing a whole new chapter and I

Haven’t yet stopped to go back and read

Looking forward in anticipation

But you seem to know which way I would need to go

Coz you look at me as though something terrible would sweep me away if

You didn’t have your watchful eyes out to

Look at me



I’ve been through some storms with my sail up

Right now, though, I’m just drifting and it’s

Mostly your way

But you hold my hand and lead me through

Coz you look at me like I’m important to the universe and

The world would end if your bottomless eyes didn’t

Look at me

Love · Music

Song of the Week: You Lie by The Band Perry

You lie like the man with the slick black hair who sold me that Ford
You lie like a palm tree in the back yard after last month’s storm
You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie

Well, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna drive into the big ol’ muddy river
I’m gonna park my car in the middle of the mile-long bridge
And then I’m gonna cry well maybe just a little
Then I’m gonna slip off the ring that you put on my finger
Give it a big ol’ fling and watch it sink
Down, down, down
There it’s gonna lie
Until the Lord comes back around

books · reading

About the Millennium Trilogy

I just finished reading Steig Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy. Spoiler alert.

The character of Lisbeth Salander is really stuck in my head: the weird, under-developed girl with the dragon tattoo won me over. She is an unconventional heroine: with her photographic memory, sexual fetish and preferences, her introvert nature, her eccentric morality. In the end of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Lisbeth comes across a huge stash of cash which she steals from Hans-Erik Wennerstrom and subsequently invests. Also, Lisbeth is the one responsible for the phone call that leads to the corrupt businessman’s death, as she is for the death of her half-brother Ronald Niedermann in the climax of the trilogy. Lisbeth has very little faith in the authorities; a result of what she had to face in her childhood. She would not have trusted justice in the hands of the policeman and lawyers because as a twelve year old, her problems ( Jonasson, the doctor who treats her bullet wounds in The Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest claims she could have been diagnosed with something as simple as autism) were blown out of proportion in order to lock her up in a psychiatry ward just so her father Zalachenko’s tracks can be covered.

Two of the most significance subjects at the heart of these novels are: the revelation of Swedish Secret Police and the secrets and conspiracies the adopt to protect the state’s dirty secrets and sexual abuse of women (the Swedish title of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was Men Who Hate Women).

The girl with the Dragon Tattoo was centred around the disappearance of a girl, Harriet Vanger. Her beloved uncle believed her murdered but Blomkvist and Salander manage to dig up into her past and discover that she spent her childhood being raped over and over by her own father and brother until she ran away and started a new life. Later Blomkvist discovers a secret torture cellar in Martin’s basement; a soundproof room where he keeps his women victims, torturing and enjoying them slowly over a long period of time before disposing them off. Martin’s secret was that he never lifted women who could be traced back to their homes or lead to any kind of media speculation. Martin brags about the way he treated those women; he claims that he derives great pleasure in making them beg him for their life and then the final moment of realization when they discover that he is not going to spare them thrills him.

Another strong aspect of the sexual scenario comes in the form of Lisbeth’s life. Lisbeth spent her childhood watching her Soviet spy father Zalachenko torture and abuse her mother while she and her twin sister would watch and listen in from the next room, Lisbeth’s hatred for her father grew into a fiery fire and she was violent in her approach towards bringing him to justice. When she threw acid on his face (the excerpt is briefly remembered in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but the details are revealed in the subsequent two books), Sapo was forced to cover Zalachenko’s tracks (for Zalachenko was not supposed to exist; he was Sweden’s best-kept secret) by getting Salander locked up in a psychiatrist ward. For this, they forge false reports which claim that Salander was mentally incompetent. After Dr Peter Teleborian assists the writing of this false report, he has her locked up in a room with sensory deprivation. In Teleborian’s character, Larsson reveals a paedophile (the series deals with such a huge bunch of fetish-driven people). Later when Salander is put under the charge of Bjurman, she finds that he wants sexual favours from her. He wants to keep her in control but Lisbeth is shown to be a step ahead of him because she tapes her own rape and tattoos ‘I am a sadistic pig and a rapist’ over him.

Lisbeth’s story also becomes more intriguing with the discovery that she is bisexual and spends time with her occasional lover from Hong Kong; Miriam Wu. Lisbeth is also in love with Blomkvist but Blomkvist sleeps with a lot of women and also has a long-standing relationship with his Millenium co-owner Erika Berger.

An important element in Harriet’s story is the shadow of Nazism over the Vanger family. Richard, Harriet’s grandfather and a Nazi, starts a chain of abuse in his line of the family, which is what ultimately makes Martin what he is shown to have become. Blomkvist points out that Martin became what he did because of what his childhood did to him. Lisbeth’s angle can be understood later, after we know her story. She cannot sympathize with the path Martin chose from early on in his childhood because she too grew up in an environment of domestic violence and yet she kept her head above water.

Sapo’s contribution to the plot starts developing in the second half of The Girl Who Played with Fire; after Lisbeth discovers the 1991 report about herself. Zalachenko’s tracks have been covered rather carefully by the Section within Sapo. Read also: New documents point to innocence of convicted Swedish “spy” and Sapo behind Julian Assange’s rape charges?

Lisbeth’s fascination with mathematics and Fermat’s theorem is a part of The Girl Who Played with Fire but it is something she dismisses as lost interest in The Girl Who Stirred the Hornet’s Nest. her prodigious mathematical skills are dislayed in the second book but after her bullet hole, Jonasson reveals that her mathematical abilities may be affected as a result.

Stieg Larsson’s stories were interesting because of their feminist angle, the way he treated the question of sexual abuse and sexual discrimination in the workplace (Berger’s harassment in her new SMP office), the question of secrecy and the compromises Lisbeth is forcefully made to undergo.

Read also:

[1] Nazis and Swedish Crime Fiction

[2] The Girl who Played with Fermat’s Equation

[3] A Diverse Background

[4] Alexander Zalachenko

[5] The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo







Life · philosophical

What People Think

I’m wondering what people think. What they mean when they make promises. What they feel when things go wrong. What do they dream their lives to be? Or do they just drift along from pole to pole? Is there something more to life than just the drifting? Do people wait for signals to show them some light? Does death bring some realization with it or is it just a hollow moment of no significance?

Love · Music

Song of the Week: I Will Be by Avril Lavigne

There’s nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you’d go

I know I let you down but it’s not like that now
This time I’ll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
‘Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn’t know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You’re the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe ’cause you’re here with me

And if I let you down, I’ll turn it all around
‘Cause I would never let you go


A Little About Girls :)

If you’re standing on that line between the girl who has everything she wants, who is able to exploit the fact that she is a girl to her advantage and has the longest line of guys falling one-over-another for her and the girl who likes the corners, she likes her life to be a slow, dreamy drama…then on both ends of the spectrum, at some point or another you are going to discover how paralyzed the world can make you.

If you’re in a crowded place, you will find guys trying to touch you up in places which make you sick to even think about being touched in. if you’re walking down the road and are in jeans and a tee, you can still feel the glares of that arrogant idiot who thinks he can own you if  the law of the land allowed. And if you’re wearing something that shows a little more of your skin, the number of eyes boring into you will double. When you’re in a shop and the salesman is showing you something, you can feel the way he looks at you. When you’re walking with your friends, you can see that gang of guys around the corner, checking you out. When you have to go to a party and you think you’re looking pretty as a princess, you have to think about it again because the moment you’re on the road and travelling, you will see how uncomfortable it gets. You can’t stay out alone until late then and you have to make sure you get home on time because if you stay out too late on the streets, you will probably be in danger.

The media these days is full of propaganda in support of guys. It is as if suddenly, every single guy out there is a victim. It is as if men are provoked, they are scared and their manhood is being questioned. If a guy breaks a girl’s heart, if a guy dates a handful of girls, his friends will applaud him. they will clap him on his back and carry him on their shoulders. But if a girl will do the same thing (and most often with stronger reasons), she will be subjected to a scrutinizing and painfully long statement of distrust by all guys out there.

Girls have a lot more to lose and a lot more to protect than any guy out there. We live in a world that has made heroes out of men and at the same time, buried the women who cry in silence more than half the time. We are beginning to emerge; the wheels have turned a little because girls have started to fight. It is a long battle and it is painful but we are proud of it but suddenly, it is turning into something else. Suddenly, the men are raising their voices. They want to be heard and sympathised with. They don’t and can’t understand the subtle masks a girl has to wear, just to be able to walk out that front door. They don’t understand her restraints and they definitely do not hear her silent protests. But when they hear her LOUD ones, it makes them indignant and bitter.

If you step aside to let a girl go in first, if you open a door for her and give her a smile, you’re being courteous. she will understand that you respect her. She will feel your smile. She won’t judge you. If you are her friend, she will be yours. If you trust her, she will trust you. If you hold out your hand and take it in yours, she will never let it go. If you give her the chance she deserves and needs, she will always remember it. She will always remember you. If you have faith in her, she will fight dragons with you.

Life · Poems

Never A Word

She sat next to me on the bus

For the first time that breezy July evening

I thought she was a vision;

A fresh of breath air

I wanted to say hello, wanted to shake hands

But I was silent


And then we were friends

Spending lazy afternoons chatting about

Every single thing under the sun

Spending all those hours whispering

Secrets we had told no one


Two months after

And we were still talking on the phone

And she asked me if I was falling in love?

I was thinking of all those times

I should have said it anyway

But held back the words that were defining me


And I still held back

That moonlit night, when we were so close

And she was the most gorgeous sight

My eyes had ever seen

Our hands brushed against one another

And she looked at me from below her lashes

But I smiled back in silent contemplation



And then she was going away from me

Boarding a train one year later

And I still couldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve

She hugged me farewell

And deep inside I cried a silent goodbye

Those summer months came rushing back to me

And I stood still at the platform

Saw her struggling with her luggage

But never offered a helping hand

Never offered a single word

books · Fiction · Life · Music · reading

Song of the Week and Other Things

Doesn’t feel like a week has flown past; my unexpected holiday at home got over on a bad note and when I left home on Monday morning, I was sour. I couldn’t feel the happiness I have grown so dangerously used to off late, and that scared me.

But yes, holidays put me in perspective. I’m once again out of my ‘I-really-do-care-about-you-so-please-just-stop-fighting-coz-I-don’t-care-who-is-wrong’ phase (for now). I’m just going to have to be a little easy on myself. Admittedly, I feel horrible if somebody is upset because of me (even if they are being stupid or they’re the ones who’re wrong). I can’t, for the life of me, understand what made me this way. It puzzles me. I can’t help wonder about it. I can’t help wishing I didn’t get so confused between boundaries of right and wrong. I act like somebody bruised. And I have had my share of bruises for a nineteen year old, sure, but I need to start developing some overview. And so this is the new old me, back again for the moment.

I’m currently reading The Girl Who Played with Fire. Stieg Larsson’s book one had been an enjoyable experience though I didn’t like Lisbeth much. Now I do. She has her own sense of justice; she was brought up in a world that was very wrong and she is a rather unusual heroine but she appeals to me. I’ve read 83 pages, which have so far mostly covered Lisbeth’s Caribbean island adventure (which made me interested enough to read up about Matilda hitting Grenada in 2004). And the other hero of the book…Mikael Blomkvist is also rather unusual. He enjoys multiple affairs with casual women and maintains a long term relationship with his married friend and colleague. A rather interesting light to portray your leads in, was one of my first thoughts when I started reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in the summer. But then I got really engrossed in the ‘murder’ story in that book. It also had rather strongly sexual undertones; things I haven’t read in bestseller print before. That surprised and amused me. I wish Stieg Larsson could’ve written more fiction before he died.

Also on my list of books to read is The Girl Who Stirred the Hornet’s Nest (the final book in this series), The Tale of Two Cities (long overdue) and Miep Gies’s account of World War One and Anne Frank and her family’s hiding years during the Nazi era (a thin book with a few new Anne pictures that I hadn’t seen before, one of which shows her seated on a reclining chair with a sunhat and the prettiest smile in the world!—look below)

My song of the week is going to be Lenka’s The Show…a delightful, cheerful song with one of the sunniest videos I have ever seen!


A Random Slice of Life :)

‘If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never
spoil. And one can always come back, If what you had found was only a moment of
light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.’


I really loved this thought when I read it off the pages of
The Alchemist (long overdue, I know…I’d been meaning to read this book for so
very long). Besides this, I have been spending my unexpected mid-week break
watching a whole lot of Friends, sleeping my ass off (haha!), chatting with and
texting …ahem…someone and eating a lot (laawwt) of home-cooked food.

And then I went out for a movie today…having travelled
alone by the B.R.T.S across half the city. While coming back, however, the
buses had sort of stopped because there had been a big fatal bike accident
someplace /: and it was also raining. I got out of the bus (though I should’ve
stayed in) and trudged up the road since autos were refusing to drive through. A
little-ways down the road, I discovered the line of buses had begun to move. By
then I was deeply regretting my foolish decision to jump impatiently out of the
bus but I luckily managed to get an auto before the downpour got any harder.
Cheers to first time experiences!

My agenda for the rest of the week: finish reading The
Alchemist, sort through some of my old diaries (some recent conversations are
making my heart burn to reach out to those old memories again), maybe finish
watching Season four of Friends (I’ve already seen most episodes in a random
order of course, but it always helps to watch them in a row) and if time still
permits (which I sincerely hope it does): study! Cheerios and a happy weekend
everybody J