Feeling more and more left out of some people’s life than I did before. I stopped complaining because I don’t know what they are thinking anymore.
‘We’ve stopped talking, you and I, but I still don’t know why. We exchange no hellos and no acknowledgments when we pass each other on the corridors. There is a flicker of recognition sometimes, a glimmer of hope maybe but no words. None at all.
After I spent the first week or two repenting and trying to make amends, I thought you weren’t reading my silent gestures or maybe, I thought, maybe you weren’t ready to forgive yet. So I let you be. But things got ugly (they usually do) and then I reached a place where I needed YOU to do SOMETHING too but you didn’t.
I know where you think I erred but if only you knew what I did the morning after we fell out, you might feel a little better. You are possibly blaming me and I am possibly blaming you. I see my faults, of course. When I needed you, you stood by me when there were very few people to. I know this place has not seen me, it doesn’t know me; I do not have a stand and I never might and I never sought one. I know you have watched my silent descent; I don’t know how you interpret it but those are my words. So I know you understood some of my silences and I know I let you drift apart. I did not fight, I did not show I cared. It came out as anger sometimes perhaps but I let most of it pass.
I know you think I have forgotten all about you because there are these new and good things in my life. I know this distance from you helps me in some ways but at other times I don’t like it. I don’t like the way we are part of a same group and yet not aware of what’s happening in one another’s lives. I don’t like that sometimes you are around me and laughing at an inside joke I do not know and refuse to ask. I don’t like that I am tired of fighting and have given up completely. I don’t like not wanting more. I don’t like my own silence and I don’t like yours. I am lonely, in a way, despite the few wonderful people (both new and old) who fill my blanks.
I am glad people do not know. Or they have turned a blind eye if they do. I am glad we don’t have to talk about it. THIS rift feels too wide for me to stitch up. This time I am going to let things be and months from now a certain somebody would ask, ‘What happened to you two?’ and I won’t have an answer.