Month: October 2011

These Two Weeks

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These two weeks were fabulous because of you.I was thinking of everything over and over in my head. It has been since August but I can see my autumn and winter planned out.
These two weeks were fabulous because you made them. And me? I’m a coward. But this is how I have always reached out to people. And I did reach out to you. And you made me feel good about myself.
These two weeks were fabulous because yesterday on the phone with my best friend, I told her how I sometimes felt unworthy because of things that happened to me and I never stopped but she said I shouldn’t feel this way because I deserve happiness too.
There two weeks were fabulous because every time one of us let go, we wanted to be back immediately.
These two weeks were fabulous because of what you did and how it changed things. They were fabulous because I couldn’t sleep. Because I have never been so busy and full before.
And that void is gone. I am better off this way.

The Ebb

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If I have to know you, I need to know you

Every second of every day

I need to feel you like the evening breeze

And I need to understand you heartbeat for heartbeat.

 

There is a desire deep inside me

To run away to some other world

To stop moving in these big circles

To understand love as love should be

 

If I didn’t want to feel you, I wouldn’t live

Another second of another day

And there is no exit on this road ablaze

But I don’t want to walk alone anymore

 

There is a storm deep inside me

Wanting to burst out into a thousand colours

Wishing to paint away all the blandness

But the depth of your arms it would be still

 

If I were a rebel, I would forget you

In that new moment of a new day

But my depths understand only one passion, one trust

And everything else plays in a miserable note

 

There is darkness deep inside me

And I don’t want anyone else to clear it

Ever promise I make is real

Every tear I would cry would spell your name

 

If I wanted to stay away, I would have gone

In those first hours of our first dates

But I believed in more, I believed in reasons

And I was looking for the kind of happiness you could bring

 

There is an ocean of fortitude in my eyes

I have desires to be absolutely clear

I have signed a death-willed pact with God

I have been thankful for every little instance

 

If I wanted to flash my heart, I would have destroyed it

If I desired to give up I wouldn’t be here

I’ve told you I did not play any hide-and-seek

Your assurances make me strong but I will need you more now

 

There is a silence inside my heart

A still place where this tenderness does not ebb

That melting fountain of emotion does not have anything to say

And this place is ethereal

But it wants you

It needs the exquisiteness to last

It does not want to fight

It does not want to seek

It would have nowhere else to go

It would explode in self-derision

You Found Me

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Spinning with breaks

Gentle endings over my body

In the middle of the night

A wavering of resolution

Led to that one major problem

 

Fixing a life so broken

It tore me into two

But the answers were right there;

They found me

You were right there all that time;

You found me

Beautiful Moments

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Saw you standing a few feet away from me

In those few short steps I skipped a heartbeat

Wondered why I was feeling so shy

But your smile made my eyes grow moist

And it was one of the most beautiful moments

Of my life

 

Sat next to you under the starry sky

Feeling your hand entwined through mine

Your arm around me and I felt content

Like there was nowhere else I would ever want to be

And it was one of the most beautiful moments

Of my life

 

Felt your arm next to me in the dark

There was a silence in the air

You were playing gently with my hair

I felt absolutely at peace

And it was one of the most beautiful moments

Of my life

 

We were talking about the most random things

I put my arm around through yours

Drawing circles on your palm

The intimacy felt like all I’d ever waited for

And it was one of the most beautiful moments

Of my life

Changes and Musings…

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Words don’t usually fail me but off late I feel like I have sort of lost my voice. All my teenage years, I spent wishing for certain things to happen…things have ALWAYS had a way of happening to me; I can’t complain of a boring adolescence. A little uninventive maybe, but never boring.

But then I was beginning to tire of all the passive living. I felt like I was someone unreal, someone who existed in another world. I grew tired of the vacuum. I grew tired of the dreams. I grew a little jealous maybe; but I started longing. My prayers became more desperate, infrequent and sometimes even hopeless. I was shrivelling up. My blossoms were beginning to shrink and the things happening to me were things I wished never had, things I wished I could erase, things I wished I hadn’t been a part of. What happened to the little girl who read all those wonderful books about dreams and hope and love? The girl whose eyes were full of wonder; the girl who felt the world was still right and that being right was still the good thing to do?

I feel lifeless; I feel like I was not where I wanted to be. I felt like I was running from everything.

But something is changing slowly. It is not like the movies…the change is not ALL sudden and beautiful and exciting, it is sometimes disturbing, irritating too and everything inside me resists it because I have held on to things for so long that I am suffering from a state of inertia. But yes, things are shifting somehow…and it is pretty much like a real life movie.

I shared some things with three close friends and when we were talking, I realized how right they were. The events of the past few days were wonderful in my eyes of course, but I hadn’t been feeling the right amount of thankfulness. Now I do. There may not be perfection in this world and there was no background score but some things have nevertheless been exotic. And life’s tiny flaws make you love the things that happen all the more of course.

Am I happy? Yes. Am I content? Very. But I am still nervous. I am still afraid. I have realized how much strength it needs to work things out and vulnerability scares me. I am sure it scares everyone and I only hope I can breeze through it like those forty minutes!