Words don’t usually fail me but off late I feel like I have sort of lost my voice. All my teenage years, I spent wishing for certain things to happen…things have ALWAYS had a way of happening to me; I can’t complain of a boring adolescence. A little uninventive maybe, but never boring.
But then I was beginning to tire of all the passive living. I felt like I was someone unreal, someone who existed in another world. I grew tired of the vacuum. I grew tired of the dreams. I grew a little jealous maybe; but I started longing. My prayers became more desperate, infrequent and sometimes even hopeless. I was shrivelling up. My blossoms were beginning to shrink and the things happening to me were things I wished never had, things I wished I could erase, things I wished I hadn’t been a part of. What happened to the little girl who read all those wonderful books about dreams and hope and love? The girl whose eyes were full of wonder; the girl who felt the world was still right and that being right was still the good thing to do?
I feel lifeless; I feel like I was not where I wanted to be. I felt like I was running from everything.
But something is changing slowly. It is not like the movies…the change is not ALL sudden and beautiful and exciting, it is sometimes disturbing, irritating too and everything inside me resists it because I have held on to things for so long that I am suffering from a state of inertia. But yes, things are shifting somehow…and it is pretty much like a real life movie.
I shared some things with three close friends and when we were talking, I realized how right they were. The events of the past few days were wonderful in my eyes of course, but I hadn’t been feeling the right amount of thankfulness. Now I do. There may not be perfection in this world and there was no background score but some things have nevertheless been exotic. And life’s tiny flaws make you love the things that happen all the more of course.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I content? Very. But I am still nervous. I am still afraid. I have realized how much strength it needs to work things out and vulnerability scares me. I am sure it scares everyone and I only hope I can breeze through it like those forty minutes!