With Honesty

You have filled me up with a new fire, in a way that makes everyone and everything I have known so far…seems sort of faded. I don’t feel the same in the company of other people. I feel they are missing some great element: that element being everything you are, everything you say and do. Somebody tapped me on the back once, I turned around and I thought it would be you..even though it was absurd for you to be there at that moment because I knew exactly where you were then.

Your insecurities make me sad because I always thought I was the kind of person who could be trusted beyond a doubt and it is a nightmare to feel like I did not end up growing to be that person….or rather, that I have been unable to convey it to the one person I always thought would be the first to know.

And so you worry but all I want is for you to stop worrying. I know myself too well to worry about that thing which seems to gnaw at your head the most. I want to scream out loud and say, ‘Stop worrying about this, it is not the way things are and not the way things are EVER going to be’. THIS is everything I wanted. I am able to tell myself that everyday and it feels picture perfect to me in regards the little world WE build.

Because I have never respected anyone I knew as much as I respect you. You are as much of an inspiration as you are a benchmark..but you are also frightfully intimidating to someone with MY amount of self-confidence (and perhaps self-respect as well). And I know you will probably laugh if you knew this, but that is the way I feel about you..and so I sometimes end up with the feeling that I may not be worthy enough…not because I am not…but because I don’t BELIEVE I am.

And you seem to think the very opposite things…the outward layers which allow you to laugh at everything and act all tough…they confuse me at times and I get dejected when I feel you regard me (as you regard all girls) with suspicion and uncertainty. And I feel like SCREAMING out aloud, ‘Don’t. Look at me. Read my mind. Read my fears, my needs, my desires. Read the hidden meanings behind my moves. Don’t derive the results you do. They don’t belong to our world, not in this universe.’

And I know you better than the back of my hand now…you blame yourself or me for everything that goes wrong in our worlds but at the bottom of all of that anger and those fears is the heart of a child and I know that, no matter how much you deny it.

And then yesterday you told me, ‘I would love to be the protagonist for once, in something you write.’

I wanted to say, ‘You already are the protagonist in every page of my life everyday.’

I wish you knew that.

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