It is January again. Another new year where lots of things are going to happen, good and bad. Some people are afraid because this year has ’13’ in it and 13 is a scary number. So, even though I have nothing whatsoever against 13 and I don’t think this year is going to be any better or any worse than 2012.
I spent my first three days of 2013 feeling rather disoriented and lost, and ending up sick and drugged on antibiotic. Its difficult to cope with the pressures of a new year beginning, always have been for me. I always end up feeling alone and feeling hopeless around this time of the year, my heart full of fear about what is to come and what will happen to me when it does.
But there are some things I’d like to reflect upon, now that we’ve kissed 2012 goodbye.
I learnt a lot of things in 2012. I think it was they year when I finally ‘came of age’.
Maybe 20 years isn’t exactly when you ‘come of age‘, but for me they were.
Because I finally understood what I needed to do, what was important.
Because I finally realised that my past never did define me.
Because I finally managed to let go of things and helped others feel the same way.
Because I saw my mistakes for what they were, saw the cosmos how I was supposed to and realised that I wasn’t bigger or smaller than anything else in this world.
Because I understood and told myself, ‘You’re only 20. That’s not the end of the world, its just the beginning! And you can look up and see everything in a new light and get away with it. When you’re older, you won’t be able to!’ and I knew that this time, I was telling myself the cold, hard truth but it made sense and it was real.
Good, there is something about this year that isn’t the same as the last. There is something about January that December didn’t see. There is something about each little shift, each passing day that scares me out of my wits. But when I was learning driving this month, I was performing. At times it felt scary. Because it felt as if I was responsible. I could hit somebody and they would be hurt. I could stop in the middle of a road and cause a traffic jam. And when I was grappling with the demons of performance and spotlight (like I always do), it struck me that when hundreds of thousands of people did it everyday, I could too. And probably better than most.
And then I knew that this was a lesson I could use everyday, in most things.
So in 2012 I learnt that I didn’t have to think of myself as incapable. I didn’t have to feel inferior or unworthy anymore because I could do what I wanted to do with my life.
In 2012, I surrounded myself with good, positive people. Positive people simulate positive energy. They’re the ones who tell you, ‘you can do it’ instead of laughing in derision when you share something you dream of with them. They listen to you seriously when you’re dealing with an issue and they offer you advice but they’re serious about all of it. They’re not thinking of your problems as ‘trivial’. And they’re not thinking, ‘she is dreaming too big for her boots’.
I’ve had people like that in the past. But even though they may still be around, they’re around a lot less and I don’t share my inner thoughts with them. Those I share with only a very, very select few. And these few don’t laugh at my face or roll their eyes or pass sarcastic comments. They fill me with optimism by believing in me.
I probably am NOT ready for the future. None of us are.
And we can’t forget that as we grow up, our parents grow old too.
They’re watching us change everyday, they’re watching us grow wings and watching us find a voice in the world. A voice which is our own. Because after a point, we’re not echoing what our parents taught us. We’re finding our own niche. And it can’t be pretty from high up but that’s how birds teach their young ones to fly. By pushing them over the edge. And the ones who can’t fly, drop down and die.
And there we see the one thing life is and always will be, beyond everything it might ever mean to anyone alive: its hard. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. Hard to travel to work/school. Its hard to be uncertain about the future. Its hard to meet new people. Its hard to face a challenge or a contest or an interview or this rat race. Its hard all over. And the hardest thing of all is struggling inside your head with the many thoughts and feelings and fears that we work so hard to suppress.
But a new year IS here and it too shall past.
All we CAN say for certain on 31st eve and on every subsequent day of the year, is that tomorrow is another day. It always will be!
Resolutions? I have stopped believing in new year resolutions. Any change in my life is often slow and painful. But this year, I do want to read at least a fifty books! You can take that as the only resolution for now. I don’t wanna face my demons by penning down more. This in itself, is baffling enough for now!
And I graduated from using 1% of my allotted storage space, to 2%! Maybe this year I resolve for 5%?
PS: apologies, for my thoughts on this post have been very muddled and befuddled. But that’s just the way I am feeling these days!