Life · Love · Music

A Dream


My Love
My Love (Photo credit: Jennuine Captures)

Stumbled through the long goodbyes,

One last kiss then catch your flight

Right when I was just about to fall

I told myself don’t get attached

But in my mind I play it back

Spinning faster than the plane that took you

This is when the feeling sinks in

I don’t wanna need you this way

Come back, be here; come back, be here.

-Taylor Swift, Come Back, Be Here

I was on vacation with my family and I befriended a slightyly chubby but very sweet girl. We were sitting in the ground floor of what appeared to be a swanky bar but in a pretty kind of way; it was totally lit up and they had a staged circular platform where people were playing games involving blindfolds, dancing and eating things without using their hands.

Then you walked in and I thought you’d come up to me of course but you made your way to this girl who was wearing an intricate dress and looking very sexy in it. I was just in jeans and a tee shirt. You started walking with her to the upstairs (this bar-place or whatever it was had an upstairs and I excused myself and followed you up there. You both made for a table and I was right behind you; I just wanted you to see me. It was a small two-person table and she made to sit down in one of the chairs. That’s when you turned and saw me. I pretended to have just noticed that you probably didn’t want me there with you so I said ‘oh’ and I turned to walk away.

I thought you would stop  me or come after me but you did none of those things. I wasn’t sure why you were out drinking with her and I didn’t like it. I went back to my new friend and she could easily see I was troubled. She introduced me to some new people and we sat around in a group.

And then it looked like it was closing time or rather, some kind of an in-time for girls and most couples and all girls began to leave. I saw you and her climb down the stairs and then you said to her (or she said to you?) let’s go to that spot on the bridge for a little while.

And I knew exactly which spot you meant. I pushed through the throngs of people moving towards the exit and got out just in time to notice you and her go away on a bike.

I thought I would walk and catch up with you. Because I just had to, of course.

But I couldn’t have walked more than 500 metres when this guard stopped me and told me it was unsafe for me to be walking this way alone so I had to turn and head home.

The next day I confronted you but you still weren’t done ignoring me and you didn’t say anything but you walked away.

I could see you wanted to hurt me for a little while longer. It never makes sense to me when you do and I am always equally stymied and depressed about it but later in the middle of some people (I had NO idea who was there but I know you were there with them) I talked about you in a way I hoped would get to you. Because somehow, it seemed, in those moments I had gotten over my shyness enough to talk about how I was feeling and I was hoping it would be enough. It always has been so far!

And I thinking of the many, many fights we had. Some in which I have been horribly wrong, others in which you have been horribly wrong. Its too over-whelming somehow and everyone’s always thought nothing will stand in our way, considering the kind of people we are.

But then, I can see that despite everything sometimes you still want to know how much and whether or not I love you. Sometimes I like to say, I do but I don’t know why. But I think I do know why.

You’ve made me a more mature person.

You’ve taught me to be serious about my career; somehow you have taken the child out of me enough to make me realize that there are a lot of things I need to do with my life and that I can do them.

Believe it or not, despite all the negativity, you are the one who has made me have confidence in myself. When I step out of the line, you’re always there to correct me. Its very irritating usually but change is always very hard and yes, I struggled with it too and maybe you didn’t know what was happening, all you could see was that I was being fussy. But it really was a case of Who Moved My Cheese?

The answer to that is YOU  moved my cheese, so I didn’t have to. I had to struggle along through the maze behind you but you were guiding me, in your own way. I didn’t have to take all the steps myself.

You always are there to guide me. We’re in the age when career is probably the most important thing we’ve got and I don’t know what my future holds but you’re full of advice about things I can and can’t do and you’re always sharing with me everything you think I could need in the world.

And now its like, we have been through so. so much together that the world seems very bendable to me when I know you’ve got my back!

Every time you’re leaving to be somewhere else, it hurts, even if we’d spent most of our time together arguing about something stupid.

Once when I had to leave you, I cried so much because it hurt so bad.

This world is hurting us and testing us and I don’t want to give up. So sometimes when you’re testing me too, I just feel like I can hang in there until you’ll find me and feel better about me. And you always do, because so far you haven’t given up on Project FIX-HER. Yes, I need a lot of fixing. I can be stupid, I can break down, I can wail for hours because I feel like there’s nothing good in the world. I can have a hard time expressing myself, I can’t get past my own boundaries or move out of my comfort zone. I can appear to be indifferent or ungracious even when I’m not and I can be messed up for days and feel unloved and uncertain and untalented. So the project of fixing all this is certainly not an easy one and yet you do it, somehow! I think you deserve an applause for this.

 

Well and yeah, that will be the gist of what I said, but it was more heartfelt in the dream.

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