I have been spending the past three days doing almost nothing.
Well, on Sunday morning I started reading the novel 1984, by George Orwell and I finished it by around 4 am that very night. But it made me feel morbid, not in a hurting kind of way but like a settling heaviness on my chest. Oh my God, it was brilliant.
WAR is PEACE
FREEDOM is SLAVERY
IGNORANCE is STRENGTH
That is a really powerful slogan.
I would normally want to talk about a book I’d just read (this was also the first book I finished in 2013. I have been trying to read this other novel, but haven’t gotten very far in it).
So as I was saying, I have been spending the past three days doing almost nothing. I feel so lost. SO utterly, completely lost. So alone and miserable. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I can’t help wondering, what am I looking for?
All the thoughts and feelings in my life have been replaced by a desire to fulfill some sort of ambition. And I don’t even know for sure what that ambition is.
I see the rosy picture: a good job, a marriage, a pretty home, two lovely children. That’s what i want. I am very ordinary in that way!
And I am also ordinary in being scared and uncertain and confused about this future.
But I am not ordinary when I get upset internally like this and cry my eyes out and let other things control me. Things that shouldn’t. Emotions that I can’t interpret.
Oh God, I feel like I am trapped underneath debris from a structure that collapsed over me because I myself broke it.
Why did I not have strength and wisdom when I was 18-19 years old? Why did I have to do so much to complicate my existence in such a way. Things that still won’t fully untangle. Things that still make me hate myself.
Yes, I am in a phase where I hate myself. If anyone were to ask why, I’d just tell them to back off from my life. I might look like a hurt victim and I might feel that way too. But I can’t help wondering; do I deserve all this?
And that makes me even sadder because I am so completely ready to work hard to change things.
And my thoughts and feelings are so pure. And I have always been so vulnerable to the point of being painfully innocent in a way I wish with all my heart I no longer was!
And so I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!