January Week #3


I have been spending the past three days doing almost nothing.

Well, on Sunday morning I started reading the novel 1984, by George Orwell and I finished it by around 4 am that very night. But it made me feel morbid, not in a hurting kind of way but like a settling heaviness on my chest. Oh my God, it was brilliant.

WAR is PEACE

FREEDOM is SLAVERY

IGNORANCE is STRENGTH

That is a really powerful slogan.

I would normally want to talk about a book I’d just read (this was also the first book I finished in 2013. I have been trying to read this other novel, but haven’t gotten very far in it).

So as I was saying, I have been spending the past three days doing almost nothing. I feel so lost. SO utterly, completely lost. So alone and miserable. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I can’t help wondering, what am I looking for?

All the thoughts and feelings in my life have been replaced by a desire to fulfill some sort of ambition. And I don’t even know for sure what that ambition is.

I see the rosy picture: a good job, a marriage, a pretty home, two lovely children. That’s what i want. I am very ordinary in that way!

And I am also ordinary in being scared and uncertain and confused about this future.

But I am not ordinary when I get upset internally like this and cry my eyes out and let other things control me. Things that shouldn’t. Emotions that I can’t interpret.

Oh God, I feel like I am trapped underneath debris from a structure that collapsed over me because I myself broke it.

Why did I not have strength and wisdom when I was 18-19 years old? Why did I have to do so much to complicate my existence in such a way. Things that still won’t fully untangle. Things that still make me hate myself.

Yes, I am in a phase where I hate myself. If anyone were to ask why, I’d just tell them to back off from my life. I might look like a hurt victim and I might feel that way too. But I can’t help wondering; do I deserve all this?

And that makes me even sadder because I am so completely ready to work hard to change things.

And my thoughts and feelings are so pure. And I have always been so vulnerable to the point of being painfully innocent in a way I wish with all my heart I no longer was!

And so I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!

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2 thoughts on “January Week #3

  1. 1984 is a powerful book, scary BECAUSE it’s so believable, that it COULD happen. It is haunting.
    All the other things you said… you’re not alone. I’ve been there – a feeling of desolation, restlessness, wanting something more in life but not entirely sure what IT is. Wanting the ‘normal’ things too… just wanting a sane, lovely, comforting life. And I’m sure many others have been there too.
    What we do when we were younger… yes it can hurt. I don’t know what you’ve been through. I know what I have been through. And its taken me many years to face myself and accept things and accept me. But I’ve done it. That’s the first step to happiness, true happiness: forgiving yourself. Releasing yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can change how you PERCEIVE the past – and yourself.

    Anyway – just to say – I wish you blessings.

  2. Thanks. I’m okay, really. I just sometimes end up using this blog as a sort of an outlet to vent these thoughts. I am sure everyone feels this way sometime or the other.
    🙂

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