Today was, in some ways, an eye opening experience for me. When your friendship with someone reaches this new kind of level, you know you have transcended above the normal friends place- you’ve become more, because as adults we find it harder and harder to trust people around us and when we do find someone like that, we let them in slowly and cautiously but once they’re through, you know the person who broke down all those walls has to be worthwhile.
Having a friend like her has greatly influenced my past year because, in so many ways, she has made me a different person. I can laugh and forget about the reasons for my sadness. I can look at her and enjoy her display of silliness.
When I lost some friends, I didn’t realize how much of a good thing it was! The silver lining of those clouds wasn’t clear to me because they were surrounding me so. But now I see it so much more clearly.
People can be horrible. Most people are guarding selfish secret motives and wielding weapons which enable them to advance through the games of life-and I have never felt like the kind of person who could easily play mind games. But losing some people for whom I was just a pawn in their long-term investments was one of the best things that ever happened to me. And I wouldn’t have lost these people if somebody hadn’t been stupid enough to let go of me. Because I find it very hard to let go of people who are close to me! I usually just wait for them to do the letting go.
And if I hadn’t moved on, I wouldn’t have found myself sitting here writing about trust. Knowing that this sense of mutual trust that I am feeling is really good for me because the person I am feeling it towards is full of good and practical advice. Not only that, she values me as more than just a bargaining chip or a commodity to be exchanged-she values me above and beyond the petty politics that people (read: girls) are likely to play-politics I have no foreboding senses to judge. And in many ways, she balances me.
What strange ways life has and how completely drained I feel tonight, so capable of emotion and yet with absolutely nothing to feel!
The candidness of this night will make me smile for a very, very long time. Because I never saw friendship in this way. I never saw trust, learning, ambition and respect in this way.