It’s time for a late night candid post. Off late I have focused so much on niche posts, that I’ve sort of forgotten what it is like to just rant on your blog. But if you can’t just rant on your blog, at least once in a while, what use is it to you, right?
So I’ve forewarned you that this post is as random, unorganized and impulsive as they come. I do not usually dwell for too long on what I’m writing but off late, as you might have noticed, I usually have a specific topic in mind when I begin to write. Sometimes when I just want to talk about nothing and use this platform as a kind of personal journal, I just stop because I don’t think anyone wants to listen to all that and even if they do, it feels kind of creepy to be putting thoughts out into the universe like that for just anyone to read.
Not that I don’t. I put lots and lots of thoughts out into the blogo-verse via Blue Loft but it’s not about the personal writing so much anymore. It’s usually about a show or a book or something that piques my interest. In short, it’s about something that’s in a niche. And though I still haven’t found or fixed upon a niche for my blog as such, well I feel like most posts off late have been somewhat impersonal.
So that should be quite enough introductory ranting, I suppose. I used to write a lot about what I was doing, earlier but honestly there isn’t much to say in that department. Nothing interesting anyway because I’ve been worrying and stressing, for the most part. I think it has been reflecting on my writing. I haven’t been reading lately. Don’t get me wrong, I want to and i will return to books just as soon as I can because once you pick up something like that (I mean a reading habit), you cannot just let it go easily.
I find it hard to fall asleep at night. I am partially scared (I am not sure why) and partially worried and nervous. And then, I am also somewhat lonely. People can relate when you tell them you miss a specific person and it’s true, the loneliest you’ll feel is when you can pinpoint exactly WHAT is making you lonely. I can. I know. It hurts but I’m rooting for all this hurt and pain to count someday. It’s quite nice to see other people and things they’ve been doing and all the fun they’ve been having. It’s sort of unavoidable, really, if you use social media and you have to because nowadays everyone puts up information there and assumes everyone else has read it right there and all the discussions go on in the virtual world so you might meet somebody on the road but they’ll never mention it because they’ll presume you saw it on the internet anyway and even if they think you might have missed it, they would drop you a personal message online so it’s pretty much the same thing as not knowing.
So, yes social media has made us narcissistic and attention whores but it has also breathed life into the jealous beasts inside all of us. And I’ll say it. I miss being loved. I miss all the warm feelings and if I go somewhere I haven’t been in a really long time, it rushes back. The wonderfulness of it all. The electricity of it all. And I miss that. It keeps me up at night sometimes, feeling lonely. And in sudden silent moments, it bursts onto the surface of my thoughts and I feel like I’m drowning in all of it. And I just think to myself, ‘Okay, I can bear it but it just has to be worth it, in the end. That’s all I’m asking for. That it should be worth it.’
I’ve changed by leaps and bounds in the past year and a half. I don’t think anyone who knew me before that would recognize the new me if they spent time with me or talked to me. I’ve grown in ways that I didn’t imagine possible. I’ve been perceptive enough to notice those changes as they came, maybe because I am prone to self-inspection or maybe it just happens to everyone. Most of these changes seem very, very good to me but I know the me who is waiting a few years down the line is just shaking her head at me and saying, ‘Tsk tsk. What does she know?’
Anyway, at night the loneliness often just adds up into a big mountain and buries me underneath it. It’s not just the physical loneliness; it’s also about wanting to know where I’m headed and being in a big hurry to get there. Yeah, I know it’s all about the climb and not about where you’re getting but then, it’s harder to preach than practice, like everything.
I just look at everyone and everything around me and fall further back with everything I see. Okay, I have dreams in my eyes and some sort of talent buried somewhere. It’s not about lack of potential. Everyone has potential. It’s about the realization of that potential. The whole trick lies in the translation. And that is exactly where mine gets lost.
I don’t get seen around much, by people. The irony of most of my silence is that I scream so loud on this blog, it could deafen anyone who reads. But people don’t. That feels like a very nice, sweet secret that I share with the universe. It makes me want to love the blogging world so much more. It makes me want to never give up on this space.
When I go to some places and the memories rush back in and I’m talking on and on, I just wish there’d be a thought to spare so I could have the same kind of discussions again and not let life just sweep past us. I spend a lot of time everyday thinking about things. Just thinking, thinking. Thinking could be the death of me but I still do it.
So that’s it. I know nobody’s got time to read the rants. But I honestly don’t have the energy or the capacity right now to engage in the kind of creativity that I want to give to my blog. That day too, shall come.
Until the next time