It’s rant day! Today was supposed to be about something else but became something entirely different instead. I found myself window-shopping with a friend. It made me happy but it also made me nostalgic. It was stranger still because I saw a couple of people I hadn’t seen in years; mere acquaintances whose worlds never collided with mine except for a brief spell four years ago and yet here they were, just as alive as I am. I feel as if everyone is busy trying to clamber onto fast-moving trains and I’m just standing at the station watching them leave. They’re pulling off so fast, they often don’t have time to turn and wave. The artist inside me longs to create something so powerful that everyone will stop for a few seconds and just appreciate something as simple as a half-forgotten old song. Is it really so hard? Must everyone rush headlong into one another in their haphazard hurry to get away from one another?
The truth is I’m going to miss some of the things I did in the recent months with some of the closest friends I’ve made in life so far. I’m not saying things shouldn’t change or even that I demand they stay constant (or even that I think the change is unfair or unfounded). It’s not, it’s none of that. This is just me wallowing in a little bit of nostalgia for times begone because I can’t trivialize some experiences despite knowing how transient they really are in the bigger frame of things. What a messy picture I paint inside my own head, trying to balance these emotions with a rationality I impose, I desire, I need!
I am also thinking about all those times I’ve not known what I want to do. The answers are right in front of me, they always are and will be. But there is no discipline in this chaos. I don’t feel like I want to find the sort of discipline that life demands. It seems like a sacrifice too big to make, a chunk of life too precious to give up without a fight. How inept I am at the things that need to be done and how powerful in the face of abstraction that just floats about in the air in front of my eyes, almost taunting me into a deluding serenity that can break me apart if I give myself in to it completely!
And why then, do I continue with the same things? Why, when I know how evil the world is? When I have seen it with my own eyes, felt it inside myself, experienced it in the vividest manners possible? Why then can I not give up on this straightforward manner of confronting beauty and honesty with my own brand of these same things? It’s the weirdest thing that putting this all out here feels so wonderful in a way. What a strangely suicidal operation I embark upon with such enthusiasm. Something like this shouldn’t come out into the world even for my worst enemy, even posthumously.
I am not trying to aggrandize life events, only falling into dangerous reminiscing and letting some dark realizations wash over me.
I am thankful, so very thankful for the things that have brought me where I am today. I feel sad but strangely hopeful. I know who I am now. I may still not know what I am doing but I know which roads to take, which ones are best for me. I may not always do what is right but I tell myself every day that I can.
I feel bittersweet- a little lonely, a lot liberated. Somewhat scared and somewhat excited. Nervous but looking forward to finding my purpose. I can smell it now. It’s getting close.
Until next time! 🙂
Enjoyed my ranting? Can’t wait to hear more of this blah-blah? Or just looking for something rant-y to inspire you with your own free writing? Read more rants from the past:
Song of the moment. Because it is such a powerful ballad: