We Are Beginning To Connect

I have needed you since before I knew you. It is strange to me how you are beginning to grow up and with every passing day you seem more mature to me. Even the acts you put up for our benefit reflect a hidden power which I cannot define but I feel.

I’ve been meaning to write this for you for a while now. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been here since the beginning and that I mean to be there until the end, whatever that is.  I’ve wanted you to know that when you’re old enough, you will appreciate things you can’t right now and then you’ll know that you have always meant the world to me.

Talking to you has taken a different meaning too. I see glimpses of the strong, brave and protective person that you’re going to grow up to be. I need to protect you right now but I know these tables will slowly turn. I’ll always be the older one and I mean to be there for you to run to whenever you need anything. But I know that a time will come in our lives when I’ll be proudly standing around, watching you graduate, watching you add to your list of achievements. Your competitive spirit enthralls me. I can’t wait for you to have conversations about life with me.

The idea of you growing up makes me uncomfortable too. I see you as the kind of guy who will attract a lot of female attention. I’d like to say girls will swoon over you and although this may just be me being very partial, I can imagine you as that guy. Admittedly, the idea makes me feel strange. But I hope you will be the kind of guy who will understand how to appreciate the women in your life. I  hope having me and your mother around will teach you the kind of deep-seated respect and love that I always long for. I hope you will be an Indian man but of the most perfect kind there ever can be.

I know you will be a lot more than that. I feel so proud of you every year for being a prefect. For taking part in all the debates and elocution and quizzes there ever are and for doing so well in them. I feel so proud when I hear about how good your football is getting. You imagine yourself being a Messi and demonstrate your kicks in the air. And then you go to sports camp and are really excited about training to be a good footballer.

I know this seems as though I am expecting too much from you. I know you can be all the things I dream of and a lot more. I really love you and every single day of my life I worry about you. I feel responsible for you, protective towards you. I feel as though nothing I do will ever be enough. You know I can never say no to you for anything you ask of me. I am beginning to see how much you love me and I find it so strange that you do. I constantly worry you will drift apart from me and I cannot imagine that happening. But every day I feel you draw closer to me. As you grow, you make me a part of your life. That is more than I can hope for from you. From life. I know I’m going to try my hardest to retain this bond forever and the realization that you are too, surprises me.

You are the one person in my life for whom I know I can give up anything at all without a second’s hesitation. How are you going to take this when you’re old enough to recognize it? They say siblings grow apart when they grow up. I wouldn’t let it. Yet we are young and don’t know better. I hope you don’t either. i have so much faith in you. I think of you as my little hero. As the brightest, forever-shining part of my life.

How amazing it is to have a younger brother. You can fight with him, be a kid with him, spoil him rotten. He'll be exasperated by your attempts to treat him as a child while he is trying to be an adult. In his spare time he will try his hardest to wreck your attempts at having a quiet or hard-earned moment of silence or undisturbed work. He'll come to you when he needs something. But he will be a friend and a bodyguard and the sibling you've always dreamt of. He'll grow bigger and stronger than you and he'll be a grown-up but still a kid for you. But most of all he will always be a part of your life, from childhood until the very end.

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