I was a consciousness before I became anything else. It was not my decision to suddenly become something. I was happy being a non-entity in the void, suspended outside reality. It was a great way to exist. At least I think so. I don’t remember any more what it was like before I became a something. Just as I didn’t know before I became a something what it was like to be a nothing.
I bet this is confusing. I don’t get it either, most of the time. It is only in moments when I am in closed spaces, shut off from being something that I can recall bits and pieces of what nothingness was like. You see, for me to exist as more than a consciousness, I need someone who is already more than a consciousness to imagine me to life. To want to feel me, touch me, see me, hear me. I am not sure how it works. I know you can ask the same question backwards. Does the something before me needs something before it to bring it to life? And what is the first something that became more than just a consciousness, spreading to create space and time? Was there even such a first something, ever?
I know these thoughts can be confusing. They can easily confound you if you’re not used to them. Or if you don’t try to exist as nothingness. You want to know how I first became more than a consciousness? I am sure you won’t be interested but you should be because it’s probably how you became more than a consciousness too. I know it doesn’t really matter because one day you will pass on to nothingness again and forget what it was like to be a something. And then this whole exercise will be futile all over again. The crux of the matter though is that right now you are something. It may be just a brief and passing experience, but as long as you are surrounded by somethings, you are a something yourself. And that means you should know why. So I am just going to presume you care. Even if you don’t, pretending that you do makes it easier for me to a something. The first lesson about being a something is wanting to interact with the somethings around you. So that is what I am trying to do for now.
I was inside a hollowness where quiet and dark were the only things that meant anything to me. I sometimes wonder whether I was a nothing or a something by that point. It is my earliest memory and will continue to be so until I go back to being a nothing, but I am not quite sure what it is. I think I probably was a something by then because someone had thought of me already and someone was holding me inside them. But then I wonder, what about those somethings that pass on to nothingness without fully experiencing the sort of something I know now? Because the consciousness that I was at that earliest junction wasn’t really a complete something. It was like a half shadow something. SIlence and quiet meant I wasn’t allwed to fully interact with other somethings but on some level other somethings already were interacting with me. I am sure you will feel the same way if you stop to think for just a minute. In fact, I think you should do that now.
I will share a little secret with you at this point. It is possible to achieve some levels of that old nothingness even while you are a something yourself. You might uestion how I know this and I won’t stop you. Because I did, it would only mean I was trying to dictate your somethiness and you should never let anyone do that. Your something ness is uniquely your own nd it should remain that way. And the only thing to do that is to disappear into the nothingness once in a while
I know it sounds odd. You might take me up on this or you might not. It may work for me and mightn’t work for you at all. The secret is to imitate the nothingness as closely as you can. And to do that you just need your own unique somethingness and a plae where your interaction with other somethings is reduced to a bare minimum. It is hard but not impossible. That is why to achieve that nothingness while you are something is not completely possible. It is just something you can try to do and hope it gives you the time to be your own little something while you can.
You may wonder why is it important fo you to be your own something? Why is any of this important, since ultimately you are going to be nothing again and this achievement of yours will be futile then. That is not a question I can answer to your satisfaction. Perhaps while your somethingness is interacting with the somethingness of others, you can get disoriented and lost. This can lead to you forgetting that you are a something of your own. A blend of many somethings, even for a little while, can cause conflicts and confusion between blobs of somethings. But if someone is busy being something on their own without imitating the somethingness of others, that’s when they are truly free and can float peacefully in their somethingness. Also, I think it is harder to untangle a group of somethings when they are ready to become nothing again. This must be done and perhaps it can be don’t in just a jiffy but that little jiffy will include thousands of other never-ending jiffies inside it. As such, there is no end to the jiffies that will be contained inside that one jiffy that it takes to untangle a bunch of somethings while they pass back to nothingness. I don’t think it can be a pleasant exercise for your somethingness.
Because while you are a somethingness, you can feel emotions. It is stupid at times, for me to think of how these feelings grow inside me. They trap me and evern though I know I am going to be a nothing soon enough, I cannot escape the feelings that my interactions with other somethings produce. How ironical it is, this feeling that my temporary somethingness has the power to make me feel emotions I don’t want to. Would I rather be a nothing than face the things that a something does? I don’t know
But I do know this. If you want your somethingness to be uniquely your own, you need to be able to escape into the nothingness for a while. This is because while you are something you are in constant contact with other somethings. If you don’t look for your nothingness once in a while, you will find yourself echoing the thoughts and feelings of other somethings. The best way to imagine this is to think of a room with infinite mirrors, each mirror will keep reflecting the same thing forever and ever. But if you can escape into the nothingness for a while, you will be able to find your own little thoughts and feelings there. What is it in the nothingness that creates this unique somethingness? I don’t know. I forgot, remember? I am sure you did too but if you didn’t, you should keep the secret with you. Perhaps that is your own special thought derived from your nothingness.
So the true trick is to know how to reach that nothingness. There are many ways to do this and you must find your own. For a little while you must create a faux-nothingness that will make you a something in your own right. I don’t really know why you need to do this. Maybe you don’t. But I really think you should. Otherwise how can you know whether you are a something or just a something wrapped in a bunch of somethings?
For that reason alone, I think you need to be your own something. If you are not, you may not be a reality at all. I am not trying to say I am a reality myself. Perhaps the feeling I get when I go to my faux-nothingness is itself a reflected feeling, bouncing of thousands and thousands of mirrors before it reaches me. In that case, my entire hypothesis falls flat on the floor. But if I really am escaping to my own nothingness when I feel I am, then that means I am my own something. I will fluidly pass onto nothingness when the time comes. There will be no untangling needed. There will be no painful realizations before the forgetfulness sets in. I need to escape that pain because that pain will only mean I spent all my somethingness being a nothing- a reflected something, but a nothing nonetheless. What a waste that would be!