When your foot was still at the door, I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself get carried away OR give anything the power to own me. It is interesting how quickly we forget the promises we make to ourselves.
Over the past two months, I have let a tide of emotions knock me off my feet. After spending the entire 2014 in building a sturdy foundation for myself and letting dreams push the directions I chose to step in, I felt like I was choking when I was actually closer to fulfilling those dreams than I had ever been. There never can be any progress unless the expectation grips you from the inside.
Right now the one question I am asking myself is not how I can let the optimism seep back into me. I know I can do it. But there is no way to know how long that will last. A week? A month? Another half-year? And what then? I have identified that the words and impressions people make on me hit somewhere far below my skin. The trick then, is to get RID of that absolute dependence.
I had been making big plans for what I wanted out of my future. But a little stumble is ALL it takes. And then you’re lying on the floor, seeing the world in a whole different perspective. Everything is blown up to gigantic proportions and you’re just a tiny organism crawling on the ground. The sun’s light is too far away to reach out to and the birds you see flying across the sky are merely tiny silhouettes you can never hope to join. Not from down below. But the worst part of the entire process is that you forget what it had felt like when you were standing with your feet firmly planted on the ground, getting ready to take flight. You forget that there was even a possibility in your head, of making things right for yourself and for others around you. You forget what it was that had helped you hold on for so long! The demons circling around your head tighten their orb of blackness because they realize that your sun is just a tiny dot, somewhere far off. On this far-flung, miserable island, you feel the same pain that you did before, but now it is hurting you more because there is nothing to distract you.
And so, what I need is to be able to have that independence from the people around me. Enough sense to follow my own needs without letting other people sap the energy out of me. I don’t know how to do it but I’m getting back up on my feet now, or so I hope.