Explaining My Silence and Evolution

Art photo - concept of internal struggle and doubt

I know that I haven’t posted much over the past weeks, and that whenever I have posted, I have mentioned changes- transformation that has been occurring in my body and soul as I traverse through some of the biggest changes of my life.

And this is to be expected- moving to another country will open your eyes in ways nothing else will, but feeding your brain with a host of classes that teach you to think and see the world critically is like adding a kaleidoscope before your eyes which enables you to see colors and patterns you never did before. Along the way, I am cruising towards the mid point of my twenties and finding out in clearer terms what defines me. I know I will always change as I go through life but I also know that whatever happens over the next few years will recreate my personality in fundamental ways that will lay a foundation for the rest of my life.

It can be argued that this personality has already been made. ‘What were you doing for 23 years of your life?’, you could very rightly ask and I would tell you that yes, I was made but in most ways, that making was very unconscious. While I participated in my own making, I did not do it voluntarily or willingly. Now, for the first time- I am on my own and while I know that it is nearly impossible to make yourself entirely by your own design, I have started to believe in my power to fix the things that need fixing and not succumb to the forces around me. There will always be structures and institutions that will rain down upon me in a million ways but I am not entirely powerless. And in this of course, I am more fortunate than the general population ever is. With the recognition of this fortune, I am ever grateful to be powerful and open enough to my own possibilities.

I have spent time these past few months, dwelling on the shortcomings of the world that I have lived with, and why it has made me the way that I am. Along this journey, I am discovering fears that are sometimes almost paralyzing in nature but I have been equally delighted to find my ruptures slowly healing. They crack open into chasms when the times are right but by surrounding myself with the best kind of support system that I could possibly have had, I have been able to keep them at bay. I am moving towards functionality- something I have always struggled with. Mulling over how broken I have felt in the past does not make me feel helpless anymore. It makes me feel grateful to have moved on and empowered to have had the chance to be where I was. I do not think that I am entirely safe- on the contrary, I am more convinced than ever that me and everyone around me is always walking on the thinnest possible line and can tip over any second.

I have been struggling to grapple this- my own mortality, my own transitionality. I don’t feel I will ever be “done”, ever be comfortable enough to feel safe in this inherently broken world, ever be free from the curse of thinking too much about my own “self”, whatever it is, whatever form it will take. I am starting to love life, much as I have often chosen to hate it and myself. I am learning and re-learning what it means to be an imperfect human being in an imperfect world. But because I am gaining, I have more to lose and that makes me fear in a way that I might not have before.

At the same time, I want to teach myself how to be at peace, how to be “in the moment”. With every trip I take to a new place, with every ‘aha’ moment of discovery within my own soul, with every little obstacle that I find myself climbing and sometimes merely crawling over, I tell myself to remember to be happy with where I am. “If I were to die tomorrow,” I say to myself, “I will be happy because despite a multitude of unfulfilled dreams and desires, I have achieved so much more than I would have thought myself capable of a year, two years, three years back.”

With this realization, I remember to push away from this jungle of depressing thoughts that bombard us- we’re not pretty enough, not rich enough, not well-travelled enough, not accomplished enough- this is what the media tells us every day, this what our online accounts tell us every day. We strive, with our Instagram and our Facebook and our Snapchat and our Twitter to create an image of a perfect version of ourselves- a version that is untrue. This version does not contain within it the billions of tousled hair mornings we wake up to. It conceals our bleary, teary-eyes; our sore muscles; our ugly fights; our jealousy, our envy; our sweat and pain and diseases. It is a snapshot out of a hundred billion tiny moments that make up our lives.

I invite all of you in the sincerest possible manner,dear readers, if you’re still reading, to think about pushing away the competition, the pain, the agony- we are all suffering in so many ways and this world continues to push suffering onto us every single day as our ageing bodies struggle to survive. But I want to invite you all to breathe and remember to be human and remember to not give in to the hoax, even as you wish you weren’t a part of it. I want to invite you all to remember what matters to your soul and find the cracks that need fixing and to stare at yourself in the mirror as you are and tell yourself what you really believe is true, underneath all your masks. I want to invite you all to remember the messiness of life.


7 thoughts on “Explaining My Silence and Evolution

  1. Okay since we both aspire to teach ourselves to be at peace, freedom from fear of mortality and transitionality (what I call anxiety in general) I would like to integrate some of your subconscious notions into your conscious so as to take a decision wisely using your own acumen. And while integrating the subconscious into the conscious its my task to make you feel uncomfortable in order shake your preconceived notions which is distorting the view so that you can recognise them and ultimately change them according to your willingness if you prefer to.

    Firstly, (I think) you are confusing happiness with peace. Peace is complete absence of happiness as well as sadness or to say precisely it’s an attitude whereby one is unaffected by happiness or sadness. Peace is the midpoint on the line joining happiness and sadness. But this kind of peace is often mistaken to be akin to death or boredom therefore being discarded from being practically applied in life.

    Secondly, (I think) until and unless we are able to realise the true nature of the external world (which I call it phenomenal world) we cannot choose to discard it by will. It can only be discarded by intellect and not will. What you say is like saying the moon is untrue inspite of being able to see it. Digital social media notwithstanding its application is a real representation of the phenomenal world. It is a part of the phenomenal world, serves various practical purposes and has a high degree of practical truth. If the version of our digital image has lesser degree of truth then its untenable that even our own personalized-subjective versions of ourselves has a large degree of falsity if they are based solely on our experiences (which in your case surely are). Then the question arises who is the self, what is true and what is real (to pursue their answers, here opens the golden gates of philosophy). I would just show the door you would have to walk through it in order to live according to your own designs.

    Thirdly, (I think) psychologically speaking you are suffering from anxiety ( 😛 ) which is quite normal. Not as a prescription but as an insightful topic for introspection I would recommend this: http://www.thebookoflife.org/why-you-are-anxious-all-the-time/ and various other topics related to it for you to ponder on that particular site.

    I know that your writings are directed to serve more purpose to you rather than to any of us readers as they appear to be more self centric and subjective just as my words surely would seem to be to you – which they are if I sceptically doubt it. But at last I would say that your prose gave me a purpose to write and if by chance my comment affects you then maybe I have accomplished in returning what I have received.

    1. Like many others, I choose to share parts of my life and thoughts on the internet. I think that as givers and receivers of knowledge online, we must always respect that what we have access to is a very tiny part of the story a person has to offer. Hence, there is wisdom in not making assumptions, supplying advice and drawing conclusions about the ultimate personality of someone we encounter online. At the end of the day, this is just my opinion. I chose to not address the other points you raised because of the manner in which I encountered them. I understand we walk on murky grounds in terms of issues of privacy, rules of conduct and civility, and forms of sensitivity. But that makes it much more important to tread carefully in the internet space.

      1. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us is true. Indeed I respect the tiny part of your life that you reveal and I also expect that you outgrow yourself. But look at the moon and not at the finger pointing it. And if I wont judge, draw conclusions or advise then there would be absolutely no ontological difference between two people. It would be like science, perfectly value neutral. And I as an emotional being cannot be value neutral. I do judge but I am always open to change. Its true that there are no facts just interpretations but if I do not speak honestly with politeness then I commit a moral crime.

        1. That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. It is not that I’m unsympathetic to what you said- I have been thinking about these questions that you pointed out already- some of it I feel applies to my life, and some doesn’t. But when we offer advice online it isn’t possible for us to know any of this

          1. With situations, reality and with people as well, there are always some things we cannot know and some things we shouldn’t know. So from given imperfect and incomplete data we have to trust ourselves and make judgements consciously or else we would make indeterminate judgements subconsciously based on instincts- which are unreliable in comparison to former. Yes the conscious determinations may not be foolproof, but I believe its better to make a mistake and correct it rather than making no mistake at all. That is the risk one should always be ready to take, of being false, if one is willing to know the truth, that is all.

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