There has been an urgency to return… But also a growing appreciation for privacy

I can’t say I haven’t missed blogging. It is hard to explain what it is but the urgency to write overcame me last night, more than it had ever in the past few months. And not to write an assignment or a paper or a reflection, but to write raw, real, truthful words, as I do here.

I scrambled to look for my journal- a journal I hadn’t looked at in several months but couldn’t find it anywhere buried in the myriad books and notebooks that I possess. And my hands flew towards my laptop, pulling it open. I hovered over my internet browser, almost turned to WordPress but then I stopped.

There has been something tranquil in keeping my thoughts private these past months, in only expressing them somewhat briefly on more private forms of social media that fewer people can access; even within that space I have made a smaller subset of people I feel somewhat safe in sharing with. This is indeed a conflict: my writer’s heart is always eager to express as loudly as she can; my introverted self wants to run and hide behind a wall.

But this morning I could not hold it in any longer- the words were almost bursting out of me, and my mind returned to this blog that I have constructed, and my fingers were almost no longer in my control. This is bringing me a sense of relief right now- not joy, not pride or excitement, but physical and mental release. Like the kind you feel when you uncurl your legs and step out of a vehicle at the end of a long journey. Like the kind you feel when you finish an exam or a presentation with high-stakes that you had been preparing for for a while. There is no logic in this outburst of words, this unchanneled flow of prose that says nothing and perhaps circles a subject I have already touched upon countless times here, but there it is.

I am not sure if I am back, or if this is a fluke. I do know that my being will not go too long without longing for a release of words, one way or the other. There are ways to resolve this conflict, but for now I give in. I give another chance to the virtual world today, turning in my vulnerability like long-overdue interest.