I still remember the day when I couldn’t find my bearings the way they do in the movies because it felt like a big tragedy unfolding all around me. Falling in love wasn’t like a shower of pure rain mingled with the lilting music of violins playing against a backdrop of dancing people. It wasn’t a medley of every melody I’ve ever known. It was a tumultuous raging storm brewing inside my soul and exploding through my skin. I wasn’t swimming, I was sinking and there was very little to hold on to.
The little key ring I’ve still stored away isn’t magnificent or magical. It’s plain cute, some might say ordinary. But if I had to anchor the length and breadth of my emotions into a single object; it would be that little piece of glittering metal smiling up at me. I cannot afford to lose it. I cannot even afford to carry it around anymore because it makes me feel so exposed. In this world of transience I fight every day to find something to hold on to. Because the thought of letting things go is unacceptable. It may be a challenge to hold on but my soul finds it much easier that others do. The ordinary key ring reminds me of day when I had resolved to let go of something I needed but didn’t yet know I did for the sake of something I am so happy I gave up now! It saved me from a fall I might not have survived.
We keep relics and objects that define us tucked safely away into the nooks and crannies of our life, too scared to acknowledge that we have attached abstract importance to things that are only physical manifestations of nature and have no emotions, no memories.
When I got off that train a week ago, I wanted more than anything to capture the essence of what I was feeling into something real. Memories fade out of our mind and we are left with a lingering scent we cannot quite place, flashes of scenes we remember, resolves we made and sounds we shared. But sometimes it’s hard to find things to attach these abstract thoughts to. Memories float away and out and there’s nothing we can do but hold on to an object; any object we feel could define us, define those moments.
The helplessness will pass too. Because guess what? If good things are transient, so are bad ones.